Toothbrushes! Huzzah!

Toothbrushes! Huzzah!

Posted by Virginic Jeff on


They want you to believe that the toothbrush was invented in the year 1498 by the Chinese but I am pretty sure it is just a ploy to take American jobs! I was just at the gym and the "news" was on the tele. 

From Babylonian chew sticks to electric toothbrushes, two things are clear: when your teeth are hurting nothing else matters and secondly, no one likes yuck mouf.

To the first point: I perhaps am lucky to have experienced this time-warping pain only once in my life and it came after 39 years on Earth.

I have always been a very serious person. My humor is the burnoff of the highly compressed, on-going fission of tumult within. As a result, I managed to crack both my back bottom teeth from 25 years of grinding my teeth due to tortured days and nights of conflicted sleep.

A Tale of Two Molars

Right quadrant, bottom. Molar #2, tooth #31, (What up Dentists! I’m no anti-dentite. You do God’s work. Special shoutout to Dr. Erkart. You are the best!).

So this bastard of a tooth gets cracked, and I feel it, but I don’t have insurance so I stop feeling it. Then it persists and finally begins to insist! The ungrateful kale masher has me on the phone looking for dentists. I have an appointment. Great. Off to Coinstar... Wow! 167 dollars - oops, 151 dollars (I had to buy cowboy medicine, thank you Dr. Jamesons).

I just have to survive the weekend.

It was somewhere around 6 am Sunday morning when I passed out from the pain.

Beautiful beings swam about as I floated. They were propelled by mathematical fractals that were solved as soon as they could be seen. The Light Figures, with endlessly black eyes of unknown beauty, wisdom and kindness guided me through all things and nothing was a surprise. They allowed me the eyes of the mantis shrimp*, to see things that do not exist in waking life... I understood.

It was around 8 am Sunday that I awoke, sweating. I had one instant to know that I had learned ALL in my passed out delirium. In this same instant I also I also realized I had not retained a shred. Maybe it is enough to know that the answers exist.

The next instant I broke for the bathroom and faced the toilet the wrong way unless you have to do one thing. When I was finished, I looked in the mirror to assess the situation.

****Spoiler alert**** I survived.

I was in the dentist chair.

"Infected. Crown is the best bet. We specialize in this. Nothing to worry about."

"I don’t have insurance."

"Extraction. I will give you a number to call."

"It’s because I’m poor, right?"


"Well, yes."

That is almost word for word! The last two sentences were exactly word for word!

So I went to have it yanked out of my head by a man with goat eyes. Goodbye Molar #2, tooth #31. No hard feelings.

Reasons I brush my teeth:

  • Hygiene
  • A chance to look at myself in the mirror
  • Girls
  • I am afraid of being "old as dirt with hair on my tongue". My friends dad used to tell us that. You don’t need the context...

If you, like me, have reasons to brush your teeth, click the words in blue and checkout our nice bamboo toothbrush. Like traveling? Click the words in blue to see our bamboo toothbrush. Colorblind, but like toothbrushes with traveling cases? Click HERE.

Left quadrant, bottom. Molar #2, tooth #18.

This time I had the insurance, the money AND the dentist (Dr. Erkart!). I was able to receive treatment at the first signs of discomfort. The tooth was saved with a root canal and a cap put on. Now I wear a mouthguard at night and practice yoga.

Dammit. I did it again. I was supposed to talk about toothbrushes and I went and told you about my molars instead. For a better understanding of toothbrushes, check out Virginic Ola’s blog [LINK - blog or post] on the subject.

Here are some interesting toothbrushy things I learned…

  • In the first edition of the board game Clue, along with the weapons candlestick, knife, rope, revolver and wrench, a toothbrush was also included.
  • A man in New England, an avid Patriots supporter and obsessed Tom Brady fan, legally married his toothbrush he called Sandy. Love is love people. 
  • The largest toothbrush ever made from a single piece of wood weighed over 9,000 lbs and was as long as a school bus. 
  • "My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush." - Bobby Boucher.

Listen here, brushers of teeth. Our Bamboo Toothbrush really is pretty awesome. The case is sleek. The entire package is super lightweight. And if you buy our Charcoal Toothpaste, do yourself a favor and buy an extra black bristle Bamboo Toothbrush dedicated just for that purpose. The black bristles will make total sense!

And do not forget to floss! I buy no less than 12 packs of floss at a time. Then I put them all over the place so I never have an excuse not to floss. No joke coming, it’s just what I do.

May you brush well friends, now, and always.


Virginic Jeff

Here’s a question for you. Would you rather: never brush your teeth again or have Mike Tyson bite off part of your ear? Let me know, weirdo’s.

*Mantis Shrimp have 12 color receptors. Humans have 3. Referees have 2. Worms are vital and politicians...

For a better understanding of the miraculously interesting toothbrush, visit Virginic Ola's blog.

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