The Body Butter Baron

The Body Butter Baron

Posted by Virginic Jeff on

"Body-buttahh/ Body-Body Buttahh


Body-buttahh/ Body-Body Buttahh"

"Oh I didn’t see you come in. What a pleasant surprise..."


"Please sit down dear, may I fix you a drink? A ginger infused organic lemonade or a banana strawberry, and spinach smoothie? No? Very well, I’ll have both."

[6 minutes later]

"Ahhh yes, that’s nice.

So. What brings you here my dear? Who me? I am not playing coy, I wouldn’t know how if I wanted to-"

"Oh, I see. Well then, let us both be, as you say, 'straightforward'. Yes, I have the body butter, and no, it is NOT for sale."

"And yet you persist… the door was easy enough to find on your way in I presume?"

[The man jumps to his feet letting go of the mason jar. It hits the floor and clangs about. A splash of smoothie hits a signed jukebox he personally bought from Cher. His bendy straw lies lifelessly at his feet. With a deep breath and a curt exhale he regains his composure and begins again.]

"Shea butter." [He almost whispers] Shea butter... do you have any idea of how obscenely valuable it is? You must not, you could not, for if you did, you would not have made such demands upon me. Shea butter is full of vitamins A and E, and well, surely even you can see where this is going..."

"Yes. Precisely there! My skin does glow healthily. It is true. It is a natural moisturizer you see..."


"I am impressed. You are full of surprises, but you should know, I have a few of my own, like, green coffee oil!"

"Oh my! Well, erm, yes, I do appear younger than my peers but no I have not in fact been accused of being in the motion pictures. I wanted to talk about flavonoids and antioxidants but I have lost my train of thought...

Well never mind, it is lost.

I find myself a bit peckish. May I offer you some freshly made hummus with toasted naan and an assortment of fresh veggies?"

"Fantastic, please, take a seat my dear, it won’t be long."

[The man returns 39 minutes later with a spectacular platter filled with the aforementioned treats.]

"Bon appetit!

"Well of course I know how long I was away! Did I not mention it being freshly made? My apologies if I failed to-"

"Oh! Well then... we will agree to disagree on the matter."

[They begin to eat silently. Each one stifling the urge to "mmmmmm".]

[The man breaks the silence as the awkward last piece of toasted naan is left on the plate between them.]

"Omega-3 fatty acids." [A smug twist of the ends of his moustache]

"Yes, quite correct! My stretch marks from our cruise to Aruba have lightened a great deal but how could you know..."

"Ahhh yes, I remember well that party at Gigi’s. What an affair! I was devastated to see you there, of course. I understand what Gigi was trying to do, however- what does this have to do with my supple, well hydrated skin and disappearing stretch marks?

"Ah yes. The grotto… you would have seen me as exposed as an Italian on the beach, and you are right of course about castor oil."

"Hmm. Yes. Well, said. An exceptional analogy for such an ingredient."

[His hand reaches over the distance between them. Contact is made.]

"Oh my!. I am not the only one who has been paying attention to their skin."

"Just coconut oil? Really?!"

"No, no, no, no, no, I am not knocking coconut oil! What kind of man would I be? Truth be told, coconut oil has made me! I would not be a Body Butter Baron without coconut oil!


I merely wanted to pay you a compliment. You would not be here, with my supple hand on yours if coconut oil were enough... You want body butter and I want to give it to you!"

"Excuse me sir? Sir, you're next sir. You are holding up the line. Is that all you are buying today, Body Butter?"

[With wet eyes the man hands the cashier the body butter, reaches for his wallet and whispers...]

"Yes, I just want the body butter. Debit."


Don’t be a fool and wait in lines for body butter, buy it here! Lines are for amusement parks and the D.M.V..  Remember to use the promo code VIRGINICJEFF for 10% off your purchases.

Until next we meet, my Dear...


Virginic Jeff (B.B.B)

Who writes this crap? I will tell you who - me! If you like this crap you will love the plop I drop daily on our Virginic Facebook Page.

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